Major Breakthrough

This past weekend has been very emotional and eventful. I went to an event at Calvary Chapel Church for a day of legacy. It was Danielle's Legacy Women's event. Sherrill, the mother of Danielle who lost her life in a car accident in 2004, hosted the event. Since then, she made it her mission to have this event every year in August to express and celebrate the legacy of not only Danielle, but every women. I heard about the event and wanted to go, so I did. Sherrill had a guest speaker come and speak. This lady was someone who Danielle admired. Danielle was reading one of her books when the car accident happened. The first half of the speeches went well. We went to lunch and then came back for the second half. Things were going good. They had a talent show and several people got up to give tribute and talk about what God has done and how He's affected their lives. I was doing pretty well and one of the girls, Julie, spoke about her life. It was as if she was speaking to me. Some of what she's dealing with, I'm dealing with too, such as God has control with my life, but the Devil is trying to take it too. Tug-a-war kind of thing. I got really emotional and ended up going to the bathroom and just cried. I cried for a long time and couldn't stop. Well, instead of embracing it and showing my weaknesses, I went home instead. I felt bad about leaving, but in the same, I didn't want to let anyone see me cry. I went home and went to bed. Later on that night, I heard someone knocking on my door. I looked at the clock and it said 12:00 a.m. I thought, who can that be? I thought it was my ex-boyfriend, David. It turned out it was my best fiend, Elaine. She had come by needing to talk. I didn't know that at the time and the shadow I saw left. Later, she told me it was her and I felt really bad. Sunday was a laid back, lazy day. Monday, I wasn't feeling too good, so decided to stay in bed for the morning. As I'm sleeping, I heard a knock at the door. Thinking it may be Elaine or someone else, I got up to answer it. I opened the door and there stands my ex, David. I thought, "oh geez." Before this happened, he'd been calling and and leaving messeges on my phone, some of them kind of rude, by the way. I didn't answer, because I have nothing to say to him and he hurt me many times before. The next thing I know, he's standing outside, asking to come in and talk. With a firm tone to my voice and an uphappy look on my face, I basically told him that there was nothing to talk about. I didn't want to see or talk to him ever again and to basically stay out of my life and never come back. All he had to say was "ok." After everything that he has put me through in the last fourteen years, I felt very happy to know that I'm not going to have to deal with all the BS anymore. The experiences I went through in the last few days has taught me that I need to open up to people and allow my emotions to show more and be raw and share them.

I'm done being second choice.

I had this friend who I’ve dated on and off for the past fourteen years.  During that time, I have never hurt him, cheated, used him for his money or anything rude and nasty. We always seemed to have a really good time when we were together. One of the problems that I seem to have with him is he allows this other girl to get heavily involved with the relationship between him and I.  After going through this time after time, I always think that he’s going to change and see things the way they really are. This girl has been very negative towards me for a very long time. He ended up dating her after he had walked away from me (seems to be his Mode of Operation.) When he was with her, she hurt him a lot in many ways. What I don’t understand is, why would you want to be around someone who has hurt you more than once? She ended up being with his best friend, while still with him, tore his heart out and married his friend.  Meanwhile, I’m on the sidelines hoping he would come to his senses. It’s kind of funny now, but when I tell him the truth, he knows this; he always gets mad at me and defends her. Doesn’t that seem backwards?  He always tells me that he loves me and he wants us to be together, but yet he allows this girl to have such control over him. The way I see it, if you really love and care for someone as much as he says he does, you would think that he would make something happen, so that our relationship could move forward. You would also think that he would tell this girl to basically shove off and mind her own life and let us have ours. It’s been a hard pill to swallow, but I truly think that for some reason, he likes that sort of treatment.  I also truly believe that they are in love with one another. Why else would he hurt me so badly?  The thing with me is that I have a very difficult time letting go of people, and I shouldn’t have let this go on for so long. After all is said and done, I’m truly having to let this man go and finally free myself from all the crap I end up going through with him.

A Big Decision to Make

On Wednesday, my Dad and I went to see the Orthepedic who did surgery on my hip when I was 15 years old. He sat and talked with us for a good 30-40 minutes. He went into detail about a couple different options of surgery I can get. He talked about one option more than the other. We talked about the procedure, where he would go in and cut the ball and bone completly off, which means I wouldn't be able to have a hip replacement later in life. The other option would be a hip fusion, where they would fuse my hip together at a 30 degree angle. My hip would then be stiff, but I wouldn't be in pain anymore. The recovery time would be a lot longer than the first procedure. He explained to me that I probably wouldn't be able to move much during that time, which means I'd have to be in bed for at least three months, if not more, just to allow it to heal. After this ordeal is over, he said that I'd be able to function, but not be able to move my hip. I'd be able to bear weight on it and walk on it. I just don't know if I would be able to handle it. I don't have to make a decision right now, but in the next few months I do. However, I'm still not sure what I'm going to do.

Better Days Ahead

As you know from previous posts, I've been dealing with pain in my left hip for a long, long time now. Something that I  definitely want to change for sure. My Dad and I went to speak to an Orthepedic this past Friday. He was very nice and respectful. He sat down with us and explained that hip surgery was just out of the question, but he talked to another Orthepedic, Dr. A, who actually performed hip surgery on my hip 20 years ago. He could go in and cut the piece of bone that is causing the pain and take it out. I wouldn't have a lot of muscle there anymore, so I'd have to be more aware of putting weight on that side, but he did inform me that the muscle tissue would grow back in time.  In the long run, the procedure would take most of my pain away. We have to go back on Wednesday to see Dr. A and make a surgery date. Though I'm a little nervous about it, it'll be better in the long run.